Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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