i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
