i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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