I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
