Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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