i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
