im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
