This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
