god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
