I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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