She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
