saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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