she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
