Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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