I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
