anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
