oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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