I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
