my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
