i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
