So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
