Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
