Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
