i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I have aggressive nipples.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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