i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
