It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
