i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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