He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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