I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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