I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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