He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
