I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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