Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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