i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
