i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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