i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
