my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
