I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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