I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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