Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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