Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I believe in your delicious
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
