where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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