I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
