i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
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I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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