Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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