I need to stop coming to work sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
