o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Life is so much better after having sex.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
