hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
