Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
