Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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