So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
