I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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