Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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