I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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